have you ever found yourself to be fickle and untrusting? it is like this feeling that socks you in the gut whenever you lose faith in something you believed in because of the carelessness around you. i cannot help but to feel myself constantly inclined to gear towards such a destructive path of uncertain pessimism. it almost seem to me that at any one time , there can only be very few people in my life who are truly sincere. people who would do everything to protect me because they care for the way i feel . people who would never take advantage of the situation i am in. people who love and accept and genuinely care for you the way you care for them. but circles change and we all grow up. i can accept that people leave eventually , and so I find the space for new sincere friends , and i let that be. but when there are always such doubts hovering above my head , is it not true that maybe the problem here lays squarely not on others but on me ?
how exactly do you allow trust to grow when it always , always stabs you in the back the moment you are not looking ? it's not the skinship. i dont mind it. it's the thought that everyone would eat you up if given the chance to that is heartwrenchingly disappointing. it's the unwarranted trust , the misleading, unfounded naivete that fails you because you rely more on instincts than you do on rationale. certain betrayals are impossible to swallow. especially so when it comes from the people you thought you could let your guard down with because you stupidly think that they are the same as you. the dangerous assumption that the whole world would
never hurt you if
you'd never hurt them. i cannot stay guarded from trusting because i never learn my lesson. i allow mistakes to happen over and over again simply because i...well , i dont know . i guess i just never wake up to the fact that there are devils within all of us , and the most conniving of them all are usually the ones concealed behind plastic smiles and friendly hugs and kind words. wouldn't it be wonderful if only we are all are made of clear glass?
not too many hours ago , i was rolling under a heavy quilt of indecisiveness over the kind of life i lead and the type of person i've became . it's amazing how in just a time span of an hour the both of them can fail me in so many ways . i stared at the blankness of the ceiling above my head , and i decided that it was about time that i remove the two so called friends from my life and move the hell on with it already . that is easy , but erasing the stain of their presence from my lips is another story .
i trust too blindly and get upset too easily . i am always angry at something , finding fault and pointing fingers at everything and anything that dont go right . it's almost like i expect everything to turn out fine and to fall in place without a sweat and to fit me at a particular time frame when i am in a particular state of mind at a particular place . two years ago , would i have put myself out there so simply and to see the good in everyone but myself ? i dont think so . but then again , i was a better person then than i am today . i was a more hopeful , more objective , more assured , and lastly , a much more forgiving person . i admit , i am a goddamned bloody wreck , a pitiful , messed up excuse of the person i was capable of being but is not . but that is disconcerting to say the least because that is the last thing playing on my mind . i will never forget that it is the people around me who made me this way . it's hard to be forgiving when you have to constantly clean after other people's trails in your life when
they are the one who screw things up .
it hurts me when people turn awful.
