It's good

to finally let it all out.

of course i don't know if you actually understood much of what i said . but i don't think that matters at all , does it ? what's important is that i've been honest with you . it's very rare that i'm ever honest with anyone when it comes to that .

it's great to know that i'm not alone when it comes to a lot of things . some people have it harder , some people more fortunate , but we all have our stories . just because it's not written on the face doesn't mean it isn't etched to the heart .

Vanessa and I . I don't think she'll be reading this but I love her to bits! 

and this is me with a giant bear outside Pavillion KL . This was the most colorful bear. 

and this is me with Bryan post exams . 

and then you have me again . this picture was taken some weeks back so you know i'm still alive and kicking .  

this is such a brief update but it's good to be in touch with my web journal again . i'll be registering for college tomorrow . yes , on Christmas eve . and then i think i'll be sleeping at home the entire day because the whole city will be extremely congested . i'm such a loser , i know . 

Dreams .

i know it has been a very long time since i last updated . SPM has came and gone . yes, just like that .

and before i know it, i'll be in college .

there were times when i really doubted my decision to take law . there was always this question of , 'am I anywhere near good enough?' . and as you guessed , people these days are more keen to discourage you than to encourage . perhaps that's what the society has came to ; but really , it feels like the people whom i once thought were friends were always more than eager to tell me my aspirations are unattainable (this is not what friends do) . and that i'm a dreamer for things that are in their terms , 'impossible' , and yet apparently not big enough a dreamer when it comes to my short term goals .

and that made me wonder what actually constitutes for enough . i believe we're all individuals in the sense that our goals and aspirations are different . and the thing here is that there really is nothing wrong in striving for different things . and i tend to think that the more realistic my goals , the more contented i'll be when i achieve them . you might say i'm not a great dreamer , but that is also because i am firmly rooted . i know how much i'm worth and i will not project it to be any greater or worse than it is in actual . people just need to accept the fact that some people are real - whereas those who run down on others are the real 'dreamers' . you can't possibly be spiritually happy if you thrive on the failure of others as your daily dose of Comfort Soup.

i'm not saying you can't do it . i'm just saying that i am different and there is no need to want the same goals you have for myself .

my needs and wants may be basic , but they are not worth any less than yours .

to put it simply - a lot of people can't wait to see you fail . in the pretense of wanting the best for you , they might actually be plotting something for themselves . don't ask me why is it that your failing makes them any happier , but i'm sure a degree of satisfaction is present . does it make them feel like they're one notch above , putting them on a pedestal against you ? that , i really don't know . but i do know for a fact these people exist .

i am not angry . just shocked that some people feel more motivated by discouraging others and looking forward to see others fail than the self confidence that should have been present in themselves in the first place .

i will prove these people wrong . and then again , i was told that such iron will is only inspired by the comments of other people and in a way , hateful feeling on my part as well . that is not true . perhaps i am egoistic , but if i actually minded what these people said in my face and behind my back , i would have wished the worst for them as well . i don't . not because i'm forgiving like jesus or anything noble like that but because as much as i'm doing this to prove them wrong , i am also doing this for myself . i'm doing this to remind myself that my self worth is not determined by others . and there is no reason for me or you to feel the slightest bit deterred over the negative things others have to say .

all in all , there is this thing i friend told me earlier tonight that made me wake up to my true potential . i really believe there is truth in what he said .

  'Don't use the word hope . What do you mean by , 'I hope I won't fail'? This is not a gamble where your chances of winning is 50/50 . You decide the outcome. It's as simple as how much effort you put in .'  

i might still feel like a part of me is stuck at a crossroad , but when do we not ? what is important , after all , is faith in ourselves and not faith in what others believe you are or are not capable of.