♥ #43

Wandering the streets, in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have

 

♥ #42 Do I Make You Proud ?

And truth be told , there will always be a part of me that feels inferior. Sometimes, it really feels like I dont know who I am anymore. How could it be that I've came to a point when my weighing scale defines who I am? This is pathetic but to be honest? I cannot stand looking into the mirror and find myself fat. I really cant. I feel disgusted, appalled , and most importantly , angered by what I see. There's a beautiful girl in me struggling to come out. I'm really going crazy. If I dont stop eating , I'm never going to be thin.

People tell me I am vain but we already know that. Truth is , i think my problem stretches beyond vanity. It has more to do with fear than anything. This fear of losing control of ...well , I dont know . Of whatever control I thought i have of myself , I suppose. If i cannot even decide how am I to look like to the world , what more can I put before the eyes of others? I'm so deeply affected by my state of mind that it's impossible to explain sometimes. Nobody understands my struggle with weight. Until I see my hip bones sticking out , I'm not quite there yet. I'm really fucked up in this sense. I can see so much beauty in other girls , so much in those even heavier than me , and yet the standards I set for myself is so unbelievably unrealistic. I might be superficial and shallow , but arent we all? I guess I'm just hungry for acceptance and love. Please dont offer me the bullcrap of people who truly loves me will not mind how I look like physically.

I'm sorry , but really , how can anyone love me when I dont love myself?

Let's face it and not beat around the bush. I might not be incredibly gorgeous of pretty , but I KNOW for a fact I am pretty enough to an average person's standards. But you know what? An average person's standard is not my standard. I have to work doubly hard to prove myself. There is no point in wallowing and whining and immersing myself in self pity ,  but do you know how much it took for me to come to this point of realization ? This realization of , oh , fuck god , im just gonna do it myself. I'm going to stop crying right now and prove to the world I am not the meek quiet girl you can stomp your feet on. If you're going to be fierce , well , fucking hell , I'm gonna be even more atrocious than you are then .

Nobody fucking mess with me today because I vowed to never be kind to people who are unkind to me anymore.

I'm so confused. Being confident is one thing , but this sense of not belonging is quite another. Maybe I'm doing it for the attention. Maybe I'm doing it for myself. Whichever it is, all i know for now is that this struggle is never ending. How is it so that i've degraded myself to this level of shallowness? The girl I was before can never envision herself to end up this way. I cannot stand seeing myself being fat again , being friendless. It's  a horrible feeling. Tonight , I am going to spill whatever there is on my mind. I've never always been pretty or attractive , whatever connotation that word may bring to you. I'm not talking about inner beauty or intelligence or whatever those things boys always claim to search for in a girl but are actually lying. I'm talking about beauty as in literally what meets the eye. Growing up , the closest I ever came to the minds of the people around me was second best. I dont want to be second best. I dont want to be 'that girl who is smart but not too attractive'. To be very honest , I spent too many nights crying over my horrible skin and bloodied , raw wounds. I often questioned myself , 'why me?' , and i never quite found the answer. The rashes were so horrible , but have you any idea what's worse? It's going to school and have a group of people taunt you over your condition , calling you mean names. Classmates who will never hold your hand because they're 'afraid they will turn into a monster too.' Have you any idea how much that hurt? I could have cried my whole life , but tears were nothing but a physical expression of how much anguish i truly felt inside. And to be frank , perhaps a lot of hatred as well. And so to people who asked me why is it so that I do not believe in God , this is your answer.

I was never fortunate enough to have the time for such nonsense. Of course you have your faith in God. You have everything given to you , a perfect body , a happy family. From where you're standing , you have every reason to be thankful. I am happy for you , but to place myself in your shoes?  I'm sorry , but i dont think I can ever do it. Even as a very little girl , i questioned too much , so much so that ever my parents couldnt give me answers satisfying enough. 'Why me? Do I have to live with this forever? Is it because God doesnt love me? Does he hate me ? What did I do?' . Imagine all those questions coming from a 6 year old girl. I really grew up too quickly for pain had opened my eyes. It must have been very frustrating to be them , and I am only thankful that they always have and always will be my pillars of strength. If it isnt for their love and care , I swear I would've committed suicide a long time ago. I cannot imagine myself any worse. So take your fucking faith and leave me the fuck alone.

People always tell me there are others worse off. They dont fucking understand, do they? Please do not give me an excuse in the form of a question that neither you nor I can answer. To me, these people are just stupid as hell. Answer me right now ; how sure can you be that they do not feel the same was as I do ? How sure can you be that they , too , do not find comfort in God , the way I cant? How sure can you be that they do not hate and blame themselves every night before they go to sleep?

You cannot answer me. Nobody can , so dont throw that question in my face because I will only throw them back in yours.

I will always be me, and nothing you or I can do to change it. I've resolved to accepting that wherever I go , and for as long as I breathe , I will be the ugly me. I have very vicious thoughts that you cannot see. I hide anger beneath my smiles , viciousness behind my hugs , ill intentions behind my kisses. Everything I do , I do it with an objective. Cunning how much insincerity can do , eh? I did not choose to be this way, but here I am, not too much of a good and nice person if you truly know what is going on in my head. You cannot blame me. I was taught how to play it up and use everything I have to my advantage if I want to go further than the rest , because I do not have much. To the boys who tell me they love me , they are just blinded by the facade I have on. Of course you love a pretty girl with a friendly smile and a joyous laugh, dont you? But i swear , if you could actually read the evil in my mind , you will want to choke me to death. 

It's not that I've never tried being sincere. I know there is a part of me inside that is vulnerable and kind but I've been proven time and time again that compassion does not bring anyone far in life. I open my heart , and what do I get in return ? There will always be people around you who will do anything they can to bring you down , to make you feel miserable , to see you fall , and by being indifferent I am protecting myself. I'm just so sick and tired of insincerity around me that I dont know what it means anymore. This confusion is killing me  but if I am going to die from it , I might as well be pretty and beautiful and be convinced of it myself. Because the only sort of beauty I can recognize today is what I see on the outside. And that is the only thing that keeps me going. Everything I have today , i'd attribute it to another day of staying alive , to breathing and still being here , despite how much I hate myself. I wouldnt say it's strength or faith because I know deep down , I have none .  I cannot explain to you why I feel the way I do , but I can tell you for real that I am for once honest. 

I really envious of people who wake up in the morning , feeling excited to be alive. I just want to feel beautiful and happy again.

♥ #41

Came home , and found this conversation open. I think it's really cute HAHA.

Mom Bro 

 oi
 duno how 2 wish me happy b'day one ah
 hi, happy 26th birthday
 so forced
 Ijust logged in only lah, why so kun cheong
 aihh
 so dissapointed
 no one remembers
 haha
 I remember your chinese date as well, some 2 weeks ago I even went to temple
 to pray and offer thanks giving that you had stayed and will stay well and safe in a faraway land,
 remember your chinese date  3rd month 25th day for yourself, for I can't do it forever
 for you
 oh
 you are mummy issit
 haha
 i thought why suddenly pz talk like this
 yes. I thought  you are so disappointed that you are not going to respond  (LOL WTF.)
 haha
 no la
 talking to friends
 oh
 i might get X to pick me up from the airport
 so no need mahfan u all ok ?
 why mahfun friend, he has to work the following day. we can meet up with you at airport, It's your homecoming. where to for dinner tonite
 X resigned dy
 he's jobless as of now
 haha
 I told Pa this morning that u are buying diiner for friends tonite, Pa jokingly said that it's him who's buying.
 haha
 alarh
 don't la so calculative
 haha
 why haha, you are happy that he resigns? (SO LITERAL FOR WHAT MOM?)
 i'm actually baffled that he resigned without having a backup plan
 so many years dy still like that
 oh don't think i'm buying dinner dy
 i thought of buying only if we so happen to go out for dinner
 but since we stayed home and drink, han fan la
 include the girls as well, it's no big deal if it's eating in
 went their place last night
 as per usual
 i didn't drink tho
 haha
 managed to avoid it completely
 gtg, for PZ dentist's appintment.  talk to u tonight. bye. don
 dont drink. good boy
 bye

My god , my mom talks like she's in some ancient chinese folktale. But creds to her for knowing how to log into my msn. Now I'm terrified LOL. And lol whut , she even knows how to call me PZ too? You know it's some freaky shit when you mom knows your nickname.

♥ #40 Goodnight

This is just a random picture that I'd like to post up for the sake of it.


Kris Allen's No Boundaries is on replay now , and I really should go to sleep. I find the lyrics especially comforting at this time of the night. Goodnight. 

" Seconds, hours, so many days
You know what you want but how long can you wait?
Every moment lasts forever
When you feel you lost your way


And what if my chances were already gone?
Started believing that I could be wrong
But you give me one good reason
To fight and never walk away "

♥ #39

It's three thirty in the morning and I should really be in bed. But sleep wont come, and so I might as well spend my time updating this space.

I'm feeling a little twisted inside. This is nothing physical , but rather a bitter wake up call that there is , afterall, something missing in my life. It's not about having something or not having something. It's about having everything and feeling empty. On better days, laughter and loud chatters would drown the impending thoughts in my head that tells me I am lost in this place and that I dont truly belong here. That I'm a fool behind my self assuredness. Perhaps it's my desperate attempt to grasp the concept of careless joy I've grown to not recognize - well , I dont know what it is. Maybe I'm just immune. Nevertheless, I'm always thankful for such moments when I could escape the darkest demon of myself.  

And then there are also days when I'd feel so confused and lost. I would search my head for a little meaning, and when I fail , I then give my heart a try. What the hell am I doing here? It's a horrible feeling. I feel so terribly alone, so small behind my mask. And then I ask myself, is everyone else wearing this mask too? If so, then arent we competing on equal grounds? Then it isn't so much of a big matter anymore, or is it? Perhaps we are all the same- sometimes lost and confused , praying to God for a little bit of magic. 

 

Sometimes

I wonder what is the point of love , if it tears two hearts apart. Yes, that is exactly what it does. At the end of the day , you feel so tired of being played and cheated. I dont even know how to say this , but it hurts the most when you are , as cliche as this sounds , a victim of your circumstances.  When you know there is everything to lose , and yet you'd do anything in your capability to salvage things - except that the world doesnt actually work this way , and you are reduced to realizing that you are all but a fool who thinks the difference between triumph and defeat merely lies in the intention of the heart.


Truth is , in life there is always this one rock you cannot lift , hard as you try.

I'd admit I've never been truly sincere before when it comes to matters of the heart , never having truly put myself out there to to love someone as much as I am loved. You must understand , I am used to the idea of being adored. I like being in like , not in love. Everyone has emotional needs, and for some reasons I believe I am better off when others love me , and that I only like them. It feels a lot like having the upper hand , being in control. I guess you can say I am as selfish as can be, but why do I care? I know I can be plain in my thinking. But we already know that.

I thought I was being smart, thought that I was protecting myself , but I come to realize I was none the wiser. There are people out there who would die to love and to be loved , and here I am hugging my knees to my chest , resolute to keep harm out of my way.