♥ #39

It's three thirty in the morning and I should really be in bed. But sleep wont come, and so I might as well spend my time updating this space.

I'm feeling a little twisted inside. This is nothing physical , but rather a bitter wake up call that there is , afterall, something missing in my life. It's not about having something or not having something. It's about having everything and feeling empty. On better days, laughter and loud chatters would drown the impending thoughts in my head that tells me I am lost in this place and that I dont truly belong here. That I'm a fool behind my self assuredness. Perhaps it's my desperate attempt to grasp the concept of careless joy I've grown to not recognize - well , I dont know what it is. Maybe I'm just immune. Nevertheless, I'm always thankful for such moments when I could escape the darkest demon of myself.  

And then there are also days when I'd feel so confused and lost. I would search my head for a little meaning, and when I fail , I then give my heart a try. What the hell am I doing here? It's a horrible feeling. I feel so terribly alone, so small behind my mask. And then I ask myself, is everyone else wearing this mask too? If so, then arent we competing on equal grounds? Then it isn't so much of a big matter anymore, or is it? Perhaps we are all the same- sometimes lost and confused , praying to God for a little bit of magic.