♥ #30 Broken Strings

lately , it seems like all i ever look forward to when i wake up , is to actually get the day over and done with . i am always caught in crossroads where i'll have to battle between anger and doing the right thing . both seems plausible , but both make me feel horrible about myself as well . it's confusing . and sometimes , lost in the never ending snippets of treachery , i can feel myself drowning from the implications of living . why do we have to mean ? no , we dont have to . do we need to be obnoxious all the time , waiting for that one moment to attack and eat someone inside out ? of course not . we can be honest and pleasant and sweet . truth is that i've grown alot and compared to the person i was 2 years ago , i dare say i'm very different from then . i am humbled by ugly scenes humans are capable of . and by humans , i mean the viciousness in me . it takes a lot of reflection to come to this point of realization , to see that no one likes being humiliated , and therefore no one should be humiliated . and so i try to keep my head slightly more lowered than the 180 degrees it used to be , and begin to look at people in the eye and accept that all of us are different . different , but equal , nonetheless .

sometimes , i feel like i cannot cope with this . this has never been my nature . i'm just making it mine out of brute force . there are times when i do feel proud of myself for walking away from an impending argument , but there are also times when my pride would be so hard to swallow , and yet i force it down anyway . i'm barely skating by simply because the foundation of my values are so weak . you see , i'm very , very confused when it comes down to the fundamental of things .

it was this part of Gandhi's biography that completely changed my views about pride and ego. the book was a gem . basically , the message is just  to 'forgive people who have wronged you , for they know no better ' . i think this phrase spoke directly to my girly heart . for many years i've struggled to understand the point where self defense ends and malice begins .  in the process of protecting myself , i  hurt others along the way . i'd say i have more regards for myself than for others - and very naturally so-  but now that i'm older , i'm beginning to see things from a different perspective . does it really matter who wins or lose in an argument if both parties are going to end up wounded ? i cannot change the way other people think , but hopefully they'll come to their senses one day . the right senses . you cannot actually force upon someone  values they do not believe in . they just got to get to it on their own terms , at their own pace . if a certain life changing message reaches out to you , then very blessed indeed , you are .   

i remember having read that part in gandhi's book and i thought , yes , this is it . this is how i should live my life from now onwards . this is how i should feel and go about things . it doesnt matter if the other party is more wrong than i am . by letting go of things , it is love that you are proving to the world .

 

 anyway , good night . i'm tired . i guess the only reason i'm updating my blog is because it actually feels like there is no one left to talk to . and that is one last picture of me before i retired. this if to the guest who left a comment on my shoutbox asking if i shisha . yes , dear , i do for a fact .

there's too much on my head . and i'm going for debate at KDU tomorrow . sigh .