♥ #35

" Hope , I just need a ray of that . "

♥ #34

i think

i'm seriously depressed on the inside

it's like nothing i do is right .

are you seriously fooled by

my short skirts and erect shoulders

and my high heels?

no , i am not doing fine . i am not okay . sometimes i just start crying for no apparent reason . i'm so tired . i cant do this anymore .

i want to just die and disappear into nothingness.

every little thing upsets me . why cant i be perfect ? 

♥ #33

all i'm asking for , is to be kept informed . 

i'm just so sorely disappointed . if you dont want me to do a thing anymore , then at least have the decency to keep me informed . what am i , your disposable go-to girl ? call me a bitch , but this is my blog , why do i care ? i'm not annoyed because you decided to drop me . i'm offended that you'll make the effort to blatantly lie in my face with excuses ?

all you had to do is come tell me you no longer need me for the job because you found someone better . full stop . i wont be angry . but now i am , because such irresponsibility irks me . and the saddest part ? we've been friends for years , and you only have regards for me when you need help to do your shit ? all i'm asking for here is a little bit of respect . sometimes , it seems like no matter how hard i try , my best is not good enough for you smart asses . have i became so easily available to everyone that you no longer care for all that i'm doing and have done for the club and the school and all? i'm not angry because you decided to drop me . i'm angry because you decided to drop me without a notice , and i actually had to come after your irresponsible asses to clarify the state of things .

sometimes , all i want is to feel appreciated . i dont even need anyone to say thank you . at least stop treating me like garbage . just so you know , nobody has to do anything for you if you're not paying me shit . and there's this other bitch who goes around saying she doesnt think i'm good enough for this . okay , if you have such sentiments , TELL ME. no , seriously , i mean it . you come and tell me just that and i'd understand . i'll be pleasant about it . not tell me in my face a different story . what i absolutely cannot take in my stride is being lied to . i hate being lied to .  but then again , who the fuck are you to say that ? hahahahah look at yourself , look at me , and look at yourself again .

let's be real lahh sayang . who do you think you are to judge what i can or cannot do ?

i'm in the student council , i am a school debater , i'm smart enough a girl with a big chest and a small waist . and though not everyone thinks i'm pretty , i have more than enough of them who do . what have you got ? and you're saying i am not good enough for this ? going around talking shit about other girls being not pretty or tall enough or beautiful (as you ah ? HAHAHAHHA) ? ironic . everyone has their own plus points , you just got to stop dragging people down with your remarks . because seriously , keep that up and no men would EVER want to touch you in bed , let alone buy you one and sleep next to you . 

i'm actually really nice to people who are civil to me so if you're unhappy , come and tell me just that , but for now , yes , thank you , fuck you right back . (:

i'm only sorry that i HAVE to come off as arrogant to prove my point . i actually try to restrain myself from passing comments like this because i believe i'm more matured than that , but if you have the audacity to be ripping off my face , then you leave me with no choice . i'm done being nice . just so utterly disappointed with people entrusted to organize events when they cannot even be professional about something as small as this .

go ahead , tell me i'm wrong for being angry . i know your pattern . you do something to upset others , and when others feel angry , it's their fault for being a bitch . yeah , call me a bitch for feeling upset . i promise , the next time i'll ask your permission if i can feel upset before i actually do , okay ?  i'm done helping anyone besides myself . i'm just so terribly appalled over this . everything i do for the school just seem like a waste of time to me now . heck , this is my last year , and i think i've never felt so much contempt for the school and their people 'streaming' ideologies before .

have i wasted 10 years in this place that offers me an schooling , but not an education ?

p/s: i doubt anyone will be reading this , but in any case if this goes around , here's something i'd like to say in the most peaceful of manner . i am angry , yes , and i believe rightfully so , but i am not looking for a fight . if you have the least bit of respect for yourself , shut up and pretend you've never seen this , because who am i kidding ? the day you'd come and apologize for this is the day the pigs can fly . and just to clear things , i have no hateful feelings for anyone . i'm upset in myself . i dont see how is this 'misunderstanding' my fault, but i suppose it is because well , it cant be your fault when you have 312908 people conspiring against you , right ? i wouldnt know , but all all i know is i've never felt so upset in a long while . and if you have no business in this , please dont terasa , because many of you are actually really , really nice people , and i appreciate you for that . i'd like to also take this opportunity to thank some of you who have always stood by my side , (especially you , B . you are the only one in form five i have respect left for when it comes to leadership qualities) letting me know the going on of things . these people who truly regard me as a friend and is responsible enough to offer me the truth , which is anyday easier than cooking up excuses .

how the fuck can someone so fickle be up there , and you dont have to answer this . good night .

x .

♥ #32

 

This is the 9 year old me . 

well , funny part is that i actually find my current self somewhat similar to the 9 year old me ? a year ago , you wouldnt have guessed i am the girl in the picture above . 

skinny IS my fate . meant to be , supposed to be .

♥ #31 Frustrationnnn !

so this is it . i'm done clicking on ANYTHING on facebook and wait 398490284 hours for it to load . or crash on me . maybe i'll post these picture up on facebook later , but either way , it dont matter because here they are . BUT I AM STILL VERY VERY VERY ANNOYED WITH FACEBOOK .

amd the weird part is that it actually loads fine on my phone ? wtf is this ! :O

 my err..bag . :)

hello it's me again wtf haha . :3

 

MAMBOOOOOOOOO . look at Kriishand's face , btw -_-

that sounds and looks cuter than it actually tastes wtf DONT LET THAT PINK ELEPHANT FOOL YOU !

these pictures were taken last sunday . when we went to KDU for a debate competition . actually it was a 3 days thing , but if you want pictures of yours truly at her top, bitchiest form while debating , then i guess you'll have to wait a bit until Li Jene uploads those pictures up , and that's only assuming that she will . and these were one of those pitifully few camwhore shots i've got in my iphone that doesnt really speak much of anything , really . 

anyway , it was really cool having Kriishand and Eeu Jin for team mates because though we didnt actually make it to the octofinals ,  we did quite a decent job...i think . i learned alot from this and yeah , i met quite a few people , although i didnt actually went all out of the way to erm ...make friends . there was this team of three girls we were against ( we won , btw) and they were really cute and sweet !

when we left , one of them was actually going all like , 'bye ! keep in touch ! '

funny , because we didnt have each other's number or facebook or anything . heck , i dont even REMEMBER what school they were from hahahahha .

 

anyway , meet Mambo , this cute snack i picked up from 7-11 that actually taste like shit after your first piece WTF T_T. i know i actually look like shit here but Kriishand looks good so it's okay .

i told you cute things are the death of me ! i'm one of those millions of dumb , female consumers who fall for cute packaging wtfwtf . 

that aside , everything else needs no reporting . the three days were really tiring for me but it's alright . and there was this group of really funny and cute people i met from Sri Permata . I didnt actually get their names but one of them is Nik something something ! I know , because he added me on facebook (: . They were really funny la omgwtf damn layan me somemore T_T *touched .

andddd , there was also this boy that i knew and er , he was one of the student organizers and he was extremely helpful because he very patiently explained to me how to go to Atria or SS2 McDonald's since we didnt want to settle for chinese coffee shop food because Zahid was around WTF . aihyooooooooooo jauh perjanlanan but we all hopped into a cab anyway and went for mcd HAHA we are hungry people who are much too picky with our food wtfwtf . haih look at kids nowadays always fastfood fastfood no wonder la otak tak cergas hahahahah . T_T  

oh yeah , btw the boy's name is Alloisious . Or something . I cant actually remember the spelling hahah but yeah , he found my facebook . goooood job on thattttttt because i am a girl with a really difficult name WTF . he's classmates with my cousin Vivian btw , what a small world (: i think i might actually drop him a message later to say thank you and to congratulate him for having found me HAHAHA WTF NOLA I DONT MEAN IT WTF . 

and there's also another story about one little boy who was really pretty damn creepy towards me but that's story for another day . my teacher affectionately calls the MBS boys my 'fan club' WTF . T_______T and by boys I MEAN LITERALLY LITTLE BOYS WTFWTF HAIHHHHH . maybe i should compile all my 'Stalker 101 Collection' stories and post them up one day hahhaa haih fml i swear i attract the oddest people ever . they are either too young , which is pretty fucking disturbing , or toooooo old , which is EVEN more fucking disturbing .

okay that's it . bye bye . there's actually something else i want to say but it just seems a little inappropriate to me for that to share web space on the same column with such unserious material as this . i am just a little unhappy right now i guess . ):

♥ #30 Broken Strings

lately , it seems like all i ever look forward to when i wake up , is to actually get the day over and done with . i am always caught in crossroads where i'll have to battle between anger and doing the right thing . both seems plausible , but both make me feel horrible about myself as well . it's confusing . and sometimes , lost in the never ending snippets of treachery , i can feel myself drowning from the implications of living . why do we have to mean ? no , we dont have to . do we need to be obnoxious all the time , waiting for that one moment to attack and eat someone inside out ? of course not . we can be honest and pleasant and sweet . truth is that i've grown alot and compared to the person i was 2 years ago , i dare say i'm very different from then . i am humbled by ugly scenes humans are capable of . and by humans , i mean the viciousness in me . it takes a lot of reflection to come to this point of realization , to see that no one likes being humiliated , and therefore no one should be humiliated . and so i try to keep my head slightly more lowered than the 180 degrees it used to be , and begin to look at people in the eye and accept that all of us are different . different , but equal , nonetheless .

sometimes , i feel like i cannot cope with this . this has never been my nature . i'm just making it mine out of brute force . there are times when i do feel proud of myself for walking away from an impending argument , but there are also times when my pride would be so hard to swallow , and yet i force it down anyway . i'm barely skating by simply because the foundation of my values are so weak . you see , i'm very , very confused when it comes down to the fundamental of things .

it was this part of Gandhi's biography that completely changed my views about pride and ego. the book was a gem . basically , the message is just  to 'forgive people who have wronged you , for they know no better ' . i think this phrase spoke directly to my girly heart . for many years i've struggled to understand the point where self defense ends and malice begins .  in the process of protecting myself , i  hurt others along the way . i'd say i have more regards for myself than for others - and very naturally so-  but now that i'm older , i'm beginning to see things from a different perspective . does it really matter who wins or lose in an argument if both parties are going to end up wounded ? i cannot change the way other people think , but hopefully they'll come to their senses one day . the right senses . you cannot actually force upon someone  values they do not believe in . they just got to get to it on their own terms , at their own pace . if a certain life changing message reaches out to you , then very blessed indeed , you are .   

i remember having read that part in gandhi's book and i thought , yes , this is it . this is how i should live my life from now onwards . this is how i should feel and go about things . it doesnt matter if the other party is more wrong than i am . by letting go of things , it is love that you are proving to the world .

 

 anyway , good night . i'm tired . i guess the only reason i'm updating my blog is because it actually feels like there is no one left to talk to . and that is one last picture of me before i retired. this if to the guest who left a comment on my shoutbox asking if i shisha . yes , dear , i do for a fact .

there's too much on my head . and i'm going for debate at KDU tomorrow . sigh .