♥ #45 A day in Taylors and Vanessa's 17th

And so we were extremely random. Went all the way to Taylors Lakeside Campus on monday because I was just bored like that , and we were planning to attend Van's party at night too. It would've been impossible to contact Ron if I didnt go with him in the morning since the boy is having this bet with his daddy. One month of no internet connection and phone and he gets a thousand euros wtf are you kidding me T__T

I wish my dad is rich enough to play games like these with me hahah.

Anyway , my main objective was to catchup with my darlings Li Chien , Jay , Wilson and Jian. Especially Wilson and Jian , whom I've not met for a very , very long while.And the car ride was like 2 hours? Picked Kit Mun up , and then Bryan before we went . Ron is ever so patient.

Jay who really resembles that crazy baby Stewie in Family Guy .

'HAHAH OMG SO ROUND!' - Wilson 

Okay....:/

Jian and I .

Say hello to my friend Jian who is also known as the Kao Lui Wong ahahaha I'm sorry , inside jokeee pfft and this name will stick to him forever , unfortunately!

My soulmate is always so pretty.

I think he needs introduction. This is my friend Bryan Ong , everyone. :)

And truth be told , this is perhaps the only Bryan I know who doesnt leave me a bad impression. Most of the other Bryans are either conceited and stupid , or conceited and stupid. And so I find it very important to address him with his surname as to not confuse him with the other losers out there :)  

Hahhahahahaha .

And then we went off to Pav for Vanessa's birthday. I love her so much because she's really , really special. And we clicked like , the day we met HAHAH okay so she's very quiet and sweet. :)

Honestly , it's not easy for me to click with people I just know because I'm quite a reserved person myself these days. I prefer to be approached than to approach. And perhaps because of that , I dont come off as particularly too friendly to alot of people. Dont get me wrong , it's not that I'm snobbish or anything , but really , that is just how I am. And somehow it's even tougher when it comes to girls , because then I'll always feel like I have to watch what comes out of my mouth all the time. But with Vanessa it's different. She's as direct and honest as I am , and you can't help but to hate people like us.

But you will always love us more than you hate us so it's okay.

Dont even get me started on how we knew each other. She's a friend to this boy who was a close friend of mine , and to sum things up , I'm only glad that our friendship lasted even when my relationship with that guy didnt. Hahahahahah . You lose some , you gain some. :)

 Meet the horny girl , Vanessa Pang Yuen Teng :) 

Happy 17th Birthday . 

May you be prettier with each and every passing day. ;) ♥

As I've said time and time again , I doubt Bryan is human. Where got people so lengchai in every picture wan!

Sei hamsap yong. :P

Meet the sweet couple , Andy and Kit Mun! :) 

Okay , I guess this is all there is for today. For once , this really feels like a proper blog post. This is how a blog post is supposed to be , the way I wrote back when I was 14. Anyway , I have been staying home ever since Monday , which means I havent been out for TWO days. I'm convinced I'll really go crazy soon. I am really not the type to stay home , never was and never will be. It's not that I'm not homely , but at least when I'm out , I can trick myself into believing that I'm doing something productive. I need the distraction.

Whenever I'm home , there's just no one to talk to. And it can get a bit lonely sometimes. I dont like it. I dont like how my mind wanders off whenever there's nothing to distract me. I dont care if these distractions are short-term illusions of happiness - so long as it does not make me feel unhappy , I'm happy be live with this temporary 'purpose' in life until the time comes when I need a new one. And then , I will hunt for it.

♥ #44 You're a liar ...

 

If you're gonna tell me these girls arent gorgeous .

♥ #43

Wandering the streets, in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have

 

♥ #42 Do I Make You Proud ?

And truth be told , there will always be a part of me that feels inferior. Sometimes, it really feels like I dont know who I am anymore. How could it be that I've came to a point when my weighing scale defines who I am? This is pathetic but to be honest? I cannot stand looking into the mirror and find myself fat. I really cant. I feel disgusted, appalled , and most importantly , angered by what I see. There's a beautiful girl in me struggling to come out. I'm really going crazy. If I dont stop eating , I'm never going to be thin.

People tell me I am vain but we already know that. Truth is , i think my problem stretches beyond vanity. It has more to do with fear than anything. This fear of losing control of ...well , I dont know . Of whatever control I thought i have of myself , I suppose. If i cannot even decide how am I to look like to the world , what more can I put before the eyes of others? I'm so deeply affected by my state of mind that it's impossible to explain sometimes. Nobody understands my struggle with weight. Until I see my hip bones sticking out , I'm not quite there yet. I'm really fucked up in this sense. I can see so much beauty in other girls , so much in those even heavier than me , and yet the standards I set for myself is so unbelievably unrealistic. I might be superficial and shallow , but arent we all? I guess I'm just hungry for acceptance and love. Please dont offer me the bullcrap of people who truly loves me will not mind how I look like physically.

I'm sorry , but really , how can anyone love me when I dont love myself?

Let's face it and not beat around the bush. I might not be incredibly gorgeous of pretty , but I KNOW for a fact I am pretty enough to an average person's standards. But you know what? An average person's standard is not my standard. I have to work doubly hard to prove myself. There is no point in wallowing and whining and immersing myself in self pity ,  but do you know how much it took for me to come to this point of realization ? This realization of , oh , fuck god , im just gonna do it myself. I'm going to stop crying right now and prove to the world I am not the meek quiet girl you can stomp your feet on. If you're going to be fierce , well , fucking hell , I'm gonna be even more atrocious than you are then .

Nobody fucking mess with me today because I vowed to never be kind to people who are unkind to me anymore.

I'm so confused. Being confident is one thing , but this sense of not belonging is quite another. Maybe I'm doing it for the attention. Maybe I'm doing it for myself. Whichever it is, all i know for now is that this struggle is never ending. How is it so that i've degraded myself to this level of shallowness? The girl I was before can never envision herself to end up this way. I cannot stand seeing myself being fat again , being friendless. It's  a horrible feeling. Tonight , I am going to spill whatever there is on my mind. I've never always been pretty or attractive , whatever connotation that word may bring to you. I'm not talking about inner beauty or intelligence or whatever those things boys always claim to search for in a girl but are actually lying. I'm talking about beauty as in literally what meets the eye. Growing up , the closest I ever came to the minds of the people around me was second best. I dont want to be second best. I dont want to be 'that girl who is smart but not too attractive'. To be very honest , I spent too many nights crying over my horrible skin and bloodied , raw wounds. I often questioned myself , 'why me?' , and i never quite found the answer. The rashes were so horrible , but have you any idea what's worse? It's going to school and have a group of people taunt you over your condition , calling you mean names. Classmates who will never hold your hand because they're 'afraid they will turn into a monster too.' Have you any idea how much that hurt? I could have cried my whole life , but tears were nothing but a physical expression of how much anguish i truly felt inside. And to be frank , perhaps a lot of hatred as well. And so to people who asked me why is it so that I do not believe in God , this is your answer.

I was never fortunate enough to have the time for such nonsense. Of course you have your faith in God. You have everything given to you , a perfect body , a happy family. From where you're standing , you have every reason to be thankful. I am happy for you , but to place myself in your shoes?  I'm sorry , but i dont think I can ever do it. Even as a very little girl , i questioned too much , so much so that ever my parents couldnt give me answers satisfying enough. 'Why me? Do I have to live with this forever? Is it because God doesnt love me? Does he hate me ? What did I do?' . Imagine all those questions coming from a 6 year old girl. I really grew up too quickly for pain had opened my eyes. It must have been very frustrating to be them , and I am only thankful that they always have and always will be my pillars of strength. If it isnt for their love and care , I swear I would've committed suicide a long time ago. I cannot imagine myself any worse. So take your fucking faith and leave me the fuck alone.

People always tell me there are others worse off. They dont fucking understand, do they? Please do not give me an excuse in the form of a question that neither you nor I can answer. To me, these people are just stupid as hell. Answer me right now ; how sure can you be that they do not feel the same was as I do ? How sure can you be that they , too , do not find comfort in God , the way I cant? How sure can you be that they do not hate and blame themselves every night before they go to sleep?

You cannot answer me. Nobody can , so dont throw that question in my face because I will only throw them back in yours.

I will always be me, and nothing you or I can do to change it. I've resolved to accepting that wherever I go , and for as long as I breathe , I will be the ugly me. I have very vicious thoughts that you cannot see. I hide anger beneath my smiles , viciousness behind my hugs , ill intentions behind my kisses. Everything I do , I do it with an objective. Cunning how much insincerity can do , eh? I did not choose to be this way, but here I am, not too much of a good and nice person if you truly know what is going on in my head. You cannot blame me. I was taught how to play it up and use everything I have to my advantage if I want to go further than the rest , because I do not have much. To the boys who tell me they love me , they are just blinded by the facade I have on. Of course you love a pretty girl with a friendly smile and a joyous laugh, dont you? But i swear , if you could actually read the evil in my mind , you will want to choke me to death. 

It's not that I've never tried being sincere. I know there is a part of me inside that is vulnerable and kind but I've been proven time and time again that compassion does not bring anyone far in life. I open my heart , and what do I get in return ? There will always be people around you who will do anything they can to bring you down , to make you feel miserable , to see you fall , and by being indifferent I am protecting myself. I'm just so sick and tired of insincerity around me that I dont know what it means anymore. This confusion is killing me  but if I am going to die from it , I might as well be pretty and beautiful and be convinced of it myself. Because the only sort of beauty I can recognize today is what I see on the outside. And that is the only thing that keeps me going. Everything I have today , i'd attribute it to another day of staying alive , to breathing and still being here , despite how much I hate myself. I wouldnt say it's strength or faith because I know deep down , I have none .  I cannot explain to you why I feel the way I do , but I can tell you for real that I am for once honest. 

I really envious of people who wake up in the morning , feeling excited to be alive. I just want to feel beautiful and happy again.

♥ #41

Came home , and found this conversation open. I think it's really cute HAHA.

Mom Bro 

 oi
 duno how 2 wish me happy b'day one ah
 hi, happy 26th birthday
 so forced
 Ijust logged in only lah, why so kun cheong
 aihh
 so dissapointed
 no one remembers
 haha
 I remember your chinese date as well, some 2 weeks ago I even went to temple
 to pray and offer thanks giving that you had stayed and will stay well and safe in a faraway land,
 remember your chinese date  3rd month 25th day for yourself, for I can't do it forever
 for you
 oh
 you are mummy issit
 haha
 i thought why suddenly pz talk like this
 yes. I thought  you are so disappointed that you are not going to respond  (LOL WTF.)
 haha
 no la
 talking to friends
 oh
 i might get X to pick me up from the airport
 so no need mahfan u all ok ?
 why mahfun friend, he has to work the following day. we can meet up with you at airport, It's your homecoming. where to for dinner tonite
 X resigned dy
 he's jobless as of now
 haha
 I told Pa this morning that u are buying diiner for friends tonite, Pa jokingly said that it's him who's buying.
 haha
 alarh
 don't la so calculative
 haha
 why haha, you are happy that he resigns? (SO LITERAL FOR WHAT MOM?)
 i'm actually baffled that he resigned without having a backup plan
 so many years dy still like that
 oh don't think i'm buying dinner dy
 i thought of buying only if we so happen to go out for dinner
 but since we stayed home and drink, han fan la
 include the girls as well, it's no big deal if it's eating in
 went their place last night
 as per usual
 i didn't drink tho
 haha
 managed to avoid it completely
 gtg, for PZ dentist's appintment.  talk to u tonight. bye. don
 dont drink. good boy
 bye

My god , my mom talks like she's in some ancient chinese folktale. But creds to her for knowing how to log into my msn. Now I'm terrified LOL. And lol whut , she even knows how to call me PZ too? You know it's some freaky shit when you mom knows your nickname.

♥ #40 Goodnight

This is just a random picture that I'd like to post up for the sake of it.


Kris Allen's No Boundaries is on replay now , and I really should go to sleep. I find the lyrics especially comforting at this time of the night. Goodnight. 

" Seconds, hours, so many days
You know what you want but how long can you wait?
Every moment lasts forever
When you feel you lost your way


And what if my chances were already gone?
Started believing that I could be wrong
But you give me one good reason
To fight and never walk away "

♥ #39

It's three thirty in the morning and I should really be in bed. But sleep wont come, and so I might as well spend my time updating this space.

I'm feeling a little twisted inside. This is nothing physical , but rather a bitter wake up call that there is , afterall, something missing in my life. It's not about having something or not having something. It's about having everything and feeling empty. On better days, laughter and loud chatters would drown the impending thoughts in my head that tells me I am lost in this place and that I dont truly belong here. That I'm a fool behind my self assuredness. Perhaps it's my desperate attempt to grasp the concept of careless joy I've grown to not recognize - well , I dont know what it is. Maybe I'm just immune. Nevertheless, I'm always thankful for such moments when I could escape the darkest demon of myself.  

And then there are also days when I'd feel so confused and lost. I would search my head for a little meaning, and when I fail , I then give my heart a try. What the hell am I doing here? It's a horrible feeling. I feel so terribly alone, so small behind my mask. And then I ask myself, is everyone else wearing this mask too? If so, then arent we competing on equal grounds? Then it isn't so much of a big matter anymore, or is it? Perhaps we are all the same- sometimes lost and confused , praying to God for a little bit of magic. 

 

Sometimes

I wonder what is the point of love , if it tears two hearts apart. Yes, that is exactly what it does. At the end of the day , you feel so tired of being played and cheated. I dont even know how to say this , but it hurts the most when you are , as cliche as this sounds , a victim of your circumstances.  When you know there is everything to lose , and yet you'd do anything in your capability to salvage things - except that the world doesnt actually work this way , and you are reduced to realizing that you are all but a fool who thinks the difference between triumph and defeat merely lies in the intention of the heart.


Truth is , in life there is always this one rock you cannot lift , hard as you try.

I'd admit I've never been truly sincere before when it comes to matters of the heart , never having truly put myself out there to to love someone as much as I am loved. You must understand , I am used to the idea of being adored. I like being in like , not in love. Everyone has emotional needs, and for some reasons I believe I am better off when others love me , and that I only like them. It feels a lot like having the upper hand , being in control. I guess you can say I am as selfish as can be, but why do I care? I know I can be plain in my thinking. But we already know that.

I thought I was being smart, thought that I was protecting myself , but I come to realize I was none the wiser. There are people out there who would die to love and to be loved , and here I am hugging my knees to my chest , resolute to keep harm out of my way.

♥ #38 Mini Update

 

Always a little girl at heart.

I guess you can say I'm pretty happy with where I am now. Contented , really. I know school is still horrible , and there's pretty much nothing I can do about it , yes - but at the end of the day , all that matters is drawing the line between acquaintances and true friends. There are times when I couldnt tell the difference between the both , but I suppose it is only my gain that i learn things the hard way. People around you can only make you happy for so long, and then the rest comes from your heart and the way you want to feel about things.

It's good to move on , not being trapped in the past. It's a great feeling. 

The equation of life would be that you lose some , and then you gain some. But it's up to you what you keep.

♥ #37

everytime i see a picture of us , it still makes me a little angry and sad . 

i cannot explain why i feel

the way i do 

i guess i just cant help it .

♥ #36 my first dslr (:

i picked up a new toy for myself today . the funny thing was that it was so spontaneous . i told my parents i wanted a new camera just last night , and there it is now , sitting like a majestic blob of black you can see from the glass of my cabinet . i decided to pick up a d3100 despite mixed opinions from my camera enthusiast friends . i know there are better models around but i am just not convinced on paying more for something that is slightly better since i am not thinking of going pro . as a friend said , d3100 is just nice . nothing more , nothing less , and i am kinda proud of myself this time for choosing practically what i absolutely need only because i am usually not that type of person . i am the type of girl who will go for whatever my dad is willing to pay for , regardless of whether or not i actually need the excessive features . 

i have been wanting a slr camera for the longer time ever . since i was 12 , i suppose . and the funny thing was that i always thought it was off limit to request for one , since at any one time there just seemed to always, always be a gadget i need more than a slr camera . and i got them all . i am glad i asked for it last night because to my surprise , my dad just agreed . so yes , 5 years of hesitance for nothing . the deal was sealed in 30 seconds , and it was just a coincidence that there was a nikon fair at mid valley today . walked in , walked to the cameras , dragged my dad there and smiled . and that was that . i think it's funny how my parents can read me like an open book all the time . i smile and they go all like , 'what is it that you want now ?' . sigh , gotta love them .

let's see if i make full use of my toy this time around . in any case if i do , you'll be seeing alot more pictures on here .

goodnight darlings
x .

♥ #35

" Hope , I just need a ray of that . "

♥ #34

i think

i'm seriously depressed on the inside

it's like nothing i do is right .

are you seriously fooled by

my short skirts and erect shoulders

and my high heels?

no , i am not doing fine . i am not okay . sometimes i just start crying for no apparent reason . i'm so tired . i cant do this anymore .

i want to just die and disappear into nothingness.

every little thing upsets me . why cant i be perfect ? 

♥ #33

all i'm asking for , is to be kept informed . 

i'm just so sorely disappointed . if you dont want me to do a thing anymore , then at least have the decency to keep me informed . what am i , your disposable go-to girl ? call me a bitch , but this is my blog , why do i care ? i'm not annoyed because you decided to drop me . i'm offended that you'll make the effort to blatantly lie in my face with excuses ?

all you had to do is come tell me you no longer need me for the job because you found someone better . full stop . i wont be angry . but now i am , because such irresponsibility irks me . and the saddest part ? we've been friends for years , and you only have regards for me when you need help to do your shit ? all i'm asking for here is a little bit of respect . sometimes , it seems like no matter how hard i try , my best is not good enough for you smart asses . have i became so easily available to everyone that you no longer care for all that i'm doing and have done for the club and the school and all? i'm not angry because you decided to drop me . i'm angry because you decided to drop me without a notice , and i actually had to come after your irresponsible asses to clarify the state of things .

sometimes , all i want is to feel appreciated . i dont even need anyone to say thank you . at least stop treating me like garbage . just so you know , nobody has to do anything for you if you're not paying me shit . and there's this other bitch who goes around saying she doesnt think i'm good enough for this . okay , if you have such sentiments , TELL ME. no , seriously , i mean it . you come and tell me just that and i'd understand . i'll be pleasant about it . not tell me in my face a different story . what i absolutely cannot take in my stride is being lied to . i hate being lied to .  but then again , who the fuck are you to say that ? hahahahah look at yourself , look at me , and look at yourself again .

let's be real lahh sayang . who do you think you are to judge what i can or cannot do ?

i'm in the student council , i am a school debater , i'm smart enough a girl with a big chest and a small waist . and though not everyone thinks i'm pretty , i have more than enough of them who do . what have you got ? and you're saying i am not good enough for this ? going around talking shit about other girls being not pretty or tall enough or beautiful (as you ah ? HAHAHAHHA) ? ironic . everyone has their own plus points , you just got to stop dragging people down with your remarks . because seriously , keep that up and no men would EVER want to touch you in bed , let alone buy you one and sleep next to you . 

i'm actually really nice to people who are civil to me so if you're unhappy , come and tell me just that , but for now , yes , thank you , fuck you right back . (:

i'm only sorry that i HAVE to come off as arrogant to prove my point . i actually try to restrain myself from passing comments like this because i believe i'm more matured than that , but if you have the audacity to be ripping off my face , then you leave me with no choice . i'm done being nice . just so utterly disappointed with people entrusted to organize events when they cannot even be professional about something as small as this .

go ahead , tell me i'm wrong for being angry . i know your pattern . you do something to upset others , and when others feel angry , it's their fault for being a bitch . yeah , call me a bitch for feeling upset . i promise , the next time i'll ask your permission if i can feel upset before i actually do , okay ?  i'm done helping anyone besides myself . i'm just so terribly appalled over this . everything i do for the school just seem like a waste of time to me now . heck , this is my last year , and i think i've never felt so much contempt for the school and their people 'streaming' ideologies before .

have i wasted 10 years in this place that offers me an schooling , but not an education ?

p/s: i doubt anyone will be reading this , but in any case if this goes around , here's something i'd like to say in the most peaceful of manner . i am angry , yes , and i believe rightfully so , but i am not looking for a fight . if you have the least bit of respect for yourself , shut up and pretend you've never seen this , because who am i kidding ? the day you'd come and apologize for this is the day the pigs can fly . and just to clear things , i have no hateful feelings for anyone . i'm upset in myself . i dont see how is this 'misunderstanding' my fault, but i suppose it is because well , it cant be your fault when you have 312908 people conspiring against you , right ? i wouldnt know , but all all i know is i've never felt so upset in a long while . and if you have no business in this , please dont terasa , because many of you are actually really , really nice people , and i appreciate you for that . i'd like to also take this opportunity to thank some of you who have always stood by my side , (especially you , B . you are the only one in form five i have respect left for when it comes to leadership qualities) letting me know the going on of things . these people who truly regard me as a friend and is responsible enough to offer me the truth , which is anyday easier than cooking up excuses .

how the fuck can someone so fickle be up there , and you dont have to answer this . good night .

x .

♥ #32

 

This is the 9 year old me . 

well , funny part is that i actually find my current self somewhat similar to the 9 year old me ? a year ago , you wouldnt have guessed i am the girl in the picture above . 

skinny IS my fate . meant to be , supposed to be .

♥ #31 Frustrationnnn !

so this is it . i'm done clicking on ANYTHING on facebook and wait 398490284 hours for it to load . or crash on me . maybe i'll post these picture up on facebook later , but either way , it dont matter because here they are . BUT I AM STILL VERY VERY VERY ANNOYED WITH FACEBOOK .

amd the weird part is that it actually loads fine on my phone ? wtf is this ! :O

 my err..bag . :)

hello it's me again wtf haha . :3

 

MAMBOOOOOOOOO . look at Kriishand's face , btw -_-

that sounds and looks cuter than it actually tastes wtf DONT LET THAT PINK ELEPHANT FOOL YOU !

these pictures were taken last sunday . when we went to KDU for a debate competition . actually it was a 3 days thing , but if you want pictures of yours truly at her top, bitchiest form while debating , then i guess you'll have to wait a bit until Li Jene uploads those pictures up , and that's only assuming that she will . and these were one of those pitifully few camwhore shots i've got in my iphone that doesnt really speak much of anything , really . 

anyway , it was really cool having Kriishand and Eeu Jin for team mates because though we didnt actually make it to the octofinals ,  we did quite a decent job...i think . i learned alot from this and yeah , i met quite a few people , although i didnt actually went all out of the way to erm ...make friends . there was this team of three girls we were against ( we won , btw) and they were really cute and sweet !

when we left , one of them was actually going all like , 'bye ! keep in touch ! '

funny , because we didnt have each other's number or facebook or anything . heck , i dont even REMEMBER what school they were from hahahahha .

 

anyway , meet Mambo , this cute snack i picked up from 7-11 that actually taste like shit after your first piece WTF T_T. i know i actually look like shit here but Kriishand looks good so it's okay .

i told you cute things are the death of me ! i'm one of those millions of dumb , female consumers who fall for cute packaging wtfwtf . 

that aside , everything else needs no reporting . the three days were really tiring for me but it's alright . and there was this group of really funny and cute people i met from Sri Permata . I didnt actually get their names but one of them is Nik something something ! I know , because he added me on facebook (: . They were really funny la omgwtf damn layan me somemore T_T *touched .

andddd , there was also this boy that i knew and er , he was one of the student organizers and he was extremely helpful because he very patiently explained to me how to go to Atria or SS2 McDonald's since we didnt want to settle for chinese coffee shop food because Zahid was around WTF . aihyooooooooooo jauh perjanlanan but we all hopped into a cab anyway and went for mcd HAHA we are hungry people who are much too picky with our food wtfwtf . haih look at kids nowadays always fastfood fastfood no wonder la otak tak cergas hahahahah . T_T  

oh yeah , btw the boy's name is Alloisious . Or something . I cant actually remember the spelling hahah but yeah , he found my facebook . goooood job on thattttttt because i am a girl with a really difficult name WTF . he's classmates with my cousin Vivian btw , what a small world (: i think i might actually drop him a message later to say thank you and to congratulate him for having found me HAHAHA WTF NOLA I DONT MEAN IT WTF . 

and there's also another story about one little boy who was really pretty damn creepy towards me but that's story for another day . my teacher affectionately calls the MBS boys my 'fan club' WTF . T_______T and by boys I MEAN LITERALLY LITTLE BOYS WTFWTF HAIHHHHH . maybe i should compile all my 'Stalker 101 Collection' stories and post them up one day hahhaa haih fml i swear i attract the oddest people ever . they are either too young , which is pretty fucking disturbing , or toooooo old , which is EVEN more fucking disturbing .

okay that's it . bye bye . there's actually something else i want to say but it just seems a little inappropriate to me for that to share web space on the same column with such unserious material as this . i am just a little unhappy right now i guess . ):

♥ #30 Broken Strings

lately , it seems like all i ever look forward to when i wake up , is to actually get the day over and done with . i am always caught in crossroads where i'll have to battle between anger and doing the right thing . both seems plausible , but both make me feel horrible about myself as well . it's confusing . and sometimes , lost in the never ending snippets of treachery , i can feel myself drowning from the implications of living . why do we have to mean ? no , we dont have to . do we need to be obnoxious all the time , waiting for that one moment to attack and eat someone inside out ? of course not . we can be honest and pleasant and sweet . truth is that i've grown alot and compared to the person i was 2 years ago , i dare say i'm very different from then . i am humbled by ugly scenes humans are capable of . and by humans , i mean the viciousness in me . it takes a lot of reflection to come to this point of realization , to see that no one likes being humiliated , and therefore no one should be humiliated . and so i try to keep my head slightly more lowered than the 180 degrees it used to be , and begin to look at people in the eye and accept that all of us are different . different , but equal , nonetheless .

sometimes , i feel like i cannot cope with this . this has never been my nature . i'm just making it mine out of brute force . there are times when i do feel proud of myself for walking away from an impending argument , but there are also times when my pride would be so hard to swallow , and yet i force it down anyway . i'm barely skating by simply because the foundation of my values are so weak . you see , i'm very , very confused when it comes down to the fundamental of things .

it was this part of Gandhi's biography that completely changed my views about pride and ego. the book was a gem . basically , the message is just  to 'forgive people who have wronged you , for they know no better ' . i think this phrase spoke directly to my girly heart . for many years i've struggled to understand the point where self defense ends and malice begins .  in the process of protecting myself , i  hurt others along the way . i'd say i have more regards for myself than for others - and very naturally so-  but now that i'm older , i'm beginning to see things from a different perspective . does it really matter who wins or lose in an argument if both parties are going to end up wounded ? i cannot change the way other people think , but hopefully they'll come to their senses one day . the right senses . you cannot actually force upon someone  values they do not believe in . they just got to get to it on their own terms , at their own pace . if a certain life changing message reaches out to you , then very blessed indeed , you are .   

i remember having read that part in gandhi's book and i thought , yes , this is it . this is how i should live my life from now onwards . this is how i should feel and go about things . it doesnt matter if the other party is more wrong than i am . by letting go of things , it is love that you are proving to the world .

 

 anyway , good night . i'm tired . i guess the only reason i'm updating my blog is because it actually feels like there is no one left to talk to . and that is one last picture of me before i retired. this if to the guest who left a comment on my shoutbox asking if i shisha . yes , dear , i do for a fact .

there's too much on my head . and i'm going for debate at KDU tomorrow . sigh .